Who Am I?
That's right. Even now, during our final year in PAREF Woodrose, I still tend to remain blank when asked this question. Shouldn't I know by now? Shouldn't I be sure of this, so that I know what will truly suit me in the not-so-distant future? No. That's my answer. No, I shouldn't. Frankly, I'd be scared of myself if I were sure.
Here's the truth: If I knew who I truly am - and sure of it at that - then I should be the wisest person in the entire world. No one should be truly certain of who they are - especially not at this age. We may know things about ourselves - things that make up what might be a large portion of ourselves - but we cannot know ourselves entirely. Why?
Because we are the worst at being our own judges. We may know ourselves best, but that doesn't mean we know everything about ourselves. Some things, we simply miss and others simply don't (though they miss other things, too). Admit it, there are some things your friends say about you that surprise you. "Really? I'm like that? I do that?" Who hasn't asked themselves that question? I find myself pleasingly surprised when a friend mentions a talent I never knew I had. I find myself appalled at the thought of myself truly having an annoying quirk that friends notice. What's the point? I DIDN'T KNOW.
We cannot know ourselves entirely also because of change. Unending change. Don't you just usually brush it off when people say that you've changed? "That's not true, I'm the same person!" But here's the thing: you encounter yourself every single day, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, three to four weeks a month, twelve months a year and God knows how many years in your lifetime. How do you know you haven't changed? It can even be related to your physical appearance. You see yourself in the mirror everyday, and you don't notice yourself getting chubbier or thinner. You present yourself to someone who hasn't seen you in months, and they say, "Did you gain/lose weight? You look chubbier/thinner!" or "Oh my gosh, you're so thin already! Did you go on a diet?" See, personality-wise, it's the same thing. You may not notice that, with each passing day, you've grown more quiet, more mature, more talkative, more bitter, more sweet or whatever.
Funny, isn't it? We ourselves are our best and worst judges. What an irony! Maybe... Maybe that's who I am - or what I am, rather. I'm this colossal irony. I'm mostly humble, but I do take pride in some of my capabilities. I'm quiet, but sometimes I'm brimming with emotion that I explode via words. I'm generous, but when it comes to a number of things I really keep my eye on, I'm selfish. I'm loads and loads of different ironies.
Maybe that's another reason why we can't fully grasp who we are - because we're too ironic for our own selves or minds to handle.
posted by krizia @ 3:51 AM
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