He's Telling You Now...
He never asked for us to finish - He just asks that we try.
He never asked us to change who we are - He just asks that we try to make who we are better.
He never loved us because of something we've done - He just does.
He never despises us for a mistake - He likes when we make mistakes and run back to Him for help, like a child who thought he could put the puzzle together, but realizes he can't.
He never wanted for us to dislike life for all its disappoinments - He wanted for us to love life for all its blessings.
He never asked that we love Him in return - He leaves that for us to decide.
He's never left our side - He's just always there, waiting to be noticed.
He doesn't ask you to be His amidst noise and crowds - He asks you when you two are alone and when your heart is most searching.
He never considers Himself special - as to a lover, He is just another of the many who wait to be paid attention to. Yes, even He waits His turn.
Even mistakes and messes are scripted and planned in Him.
He's talking to you now - Are you listening?
I am, and I find my shaky feet and light footsteps taking steps one by one towards Him.
He waits. He always waits for you. For me.
Such powerful yet delicate Hands created her...
New beauty, new hope, new life..
(my mom's friend's baby, Nicole - taken during our company outing)
Crush. Rush. Hush. Push.
(If you read that as crush, rush, hush and puh-sh, I shall laugh at you. It's PUSH. :P Hahaha. Anyway.)
Crush. Do I dare, or do I not? I wouldn't know. Even if I miss the feeling of giddiness, and I'm running out of giddy books to read. Until now, that line from The California Club still applies - "It's the one thing that you want most in the world... And you're not willing to take a risk?"
But let me rethink. IS it the one thing I want most in the world? Goodness, I want a whole lot of things, so it's hard to keep track. Sometimes, I'm jolted by something, and then I remember, "Hey, I wanted that." Yeah. I'm weird that way. But a dear, dear friend tells me, "You're irreplacable that way." So maybe today, the word crush turns into something else. It's no longer (or maybe just for the moment, it isn't) the crush that connotes a feeling of giddiness and messages of "I love you's." No, today, I'm literally crushed. Crushed by an overwhelming number of emotions - and boy, don't you just hate when that happens? - but mainly just one.
Crushed by the good. I was reading through my saved messages last night (I save messages that make me feel nice. Call me baduy, I don't care.), and I realized that the Youth stand united in hurt - because of all the hurt each one has gone through. Those hurts have led us all to try our best to change the world of and/or for someone. We are driven by our hopes that another may not go through the same hurt as we have gone through. Or, if God really chooses it, we accept it, but we stick by the person, that they may not go through it alone, as we might or might not have. To have been a recipient of such show of affection and unity - even if it's only during major storms (during my sharing, from Kathy, Joni and most everyone), or if it's during my everyday drizzles (from Leo, Abbey and Kev) - has been such a great honor and a great sensation that sometimes, I kind of wonder when it'll start raining again. (Just wondering, not wishing. :P) To have been needed or appreciated for such a miniscule task (such as being the scribe for Project YEild, or contributing a minor alteration to a module, or even coming up with a 10-minute script) is such a little miracle in disguise. I appreciate every tiny mutter of gratitude - they help heal me, strengthen me, prepare me for my next step.
Rush. Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire (thank you, thank you very much)! My schedule is... Un-be-freakin'-lieve-able. Let me put it this way. I've got the Youth activities that I try as much as possible to attend. I've got the yearbook meetings every Friday, and its deadlines hardly a month apart from each other. I've got four to five different presentations due for Filipino - all due within the last three to four weeks of the first quarter. I've got a courtroom drama T.V. show script to write, and then to film, also due the same time. Then there's the UPCAT in early August. If you think about it, almost everything's happening or due at the same time. Calendars and clocks are almost literally biting at my heels, urging me on. I'm not even supposed to have time to write, but I couldn't help it.
Hush. How I wish the world would say that to me. I just want to go back to my silence, even for just a little while. Back to my cool silence, where I'm wrapped by my soft, warm blanket and pillows. Back to my calm silence, where I'm curled up with a good book. Back to my dreamy silence, where my imagination continues to thrive - even in my sleep. But, time is of the essence, and all I can do is pray for a chance to hush.
Push. That's all I've got left to do. I'll keep pushing up this hill - no, mountain if I have to (and I really have to). I believe this mountain is not endless. At some point, I'll reach the peak, where the air presure is so unbearable, and I'll be too tired to even sit. And when I do reach the peak, I'll have nowhere to go but down again. Down to my level and balanced plains and fields - bumpless, rockless, smooth and soothing for my tired lungs and aching feet. Then, and only then, will I be able to stop pushing my boulder without having to fear it rolling towards me to squish me, or rolling far away from me to leave me purposeless.
I'll just have to trust Him. Or not. I don't have to. Because I already do.
Crushed by beauty.
Rushed by time.
Hushed by the stillness.
Pushed by the climb.
(my sister and my cousin running along the beach of Antique at dusk)
Mix and Match
A beautiful sunset that I tried to capture - in all its glory -
while I was in Antique in early June.
I love when the rays are so visible.
Don't you just find it exhilarating when you see or experience something that's related to your personal life - and then you feel like The Big Guy Up There wants to tell you something? Or maybe He's just showing you ways of expressing how you feel because you never really knew how to let it out? I've been having that a LOT lately. And it's kinda funny. And sometimes nostalgic. Sometimes sad and regretful. Mostly, it's just a pleasing coincidence. It's like someone up there's really watching you carefully - so much so that He's proving it to you by sending you little hidden messages throughout your day.
"Nobody told me you'd been crying every night. Nobody told me you were dying - but didn't want to fight." - Let Me Be the One
Ok, ok. Senti song. So what? We've all got it in ourselves. Some more close to the surface than others. Some more expressive of it. I can't relate to this word per word. Actually, I'm feeling this more:
"Nobody told you I'd been crying every night. Nobody told you I was dying, but didn't want to fight."
Yes. For some reason, self-sacrifice is my game. Nostalgia took over and WHAM! Hit again. Too many people tell me I'm too good to others to the point of giving up too much of myself - to the point of shedding tears for the one who's hurting me, because all I want is for that person to STOP hurting me so that I can't consider him bad. My friends told me that I should cry because I'm hurt - and that's ok. It's normal. But I really didn't feel like it. So, here I am, relating to these lines. It's been quite a while. But stil - "Nobody told you..." and maybe, I just want that person to know, if only to let that person know it wasn't easy - to let that person know that I gave up quite a lot for his/her sake. Yes. Somewhere in my unhealthy invisible selflessness, I long to be appreciated and noticed. Which leads me to God's little message number two.
"You've put yourself aside long enough. Look at all those people you sacrificed parts of yourself for - parts of your dreams for. They're all excelling. They're all ahead of their game. This time, think of yourself. Your friends will not take it against you. In fact, real friends will help you with it, and not dislike you because you're trying to make yourself better as they have. You more than deserve it. You may not think I knew what you were doing, but I know that this is your purpose. I've always known." - My Mom.
Mothers are such mysteries. You'll always find a way to clash with her - but clash as you might, you'll end up so attached to her anyway. And I love that she's constant in my life. My own mom told me this one afternoon after our first couple of days of school. It's strange. I thought that she always simply thought that I was simply lazy to go after my dreams and my goals. It's what I read from her mannerisms. But then she goes and says this, and it makes me want to cry in self-love. I was really doing something right after all. I've waited SO long for some sign of approval. Many of us wait for it to come from our parents. I wanted to know if what I felt was right, really was right after all. I wanted to know if what I was doing this whole time was a great leap towards more failure. But my mom proved me wrong. People do notice. They just wait for the right time to express it, maybe. And it kind of makes sense. If she had told me this before now, I'd probably have thought she was just saying it to make me feel better. Once again, The Big Guy Up There proves He's perfect. He's perfect in timing - and that's something we humans can never get right. There'll always be something quite off, no matter how long we wait. If we knew how to time ourselves perfectly, there'd be no such things as surprises, or taking risks.
Risks. I've never been one for risk-taking. I can't even really speak up for one of the things I've wanted for almost a year now. And again, this little issue is addressed by coincidence:
"It's the one thing you want most in the world.. And you're not ready to take a risk for it?" - Joel, from The California Club by Belinda Jones.
I had to read this line over and over again, and I thought, "Boy. Belinda Jones knows her stuff." Then it struck me. How many of us have those "one thing we want the most's", and still can't find the courage to take a risk for it? I figured that the worse we want something, the harder it is to take a risk for. Most likely, there'll be something holding us back - something to be lost if things don't turn out well. In my case, there's just as much to lose if I take a risk for my "one thing I want the most," than if I don't take that risk:
Pro's: I MIGHT get what I want, and have a nice little happy ending.
Con's: I MIGHT lose what I already have, and have a tragic telenovela for a lifestory.
Try getting yourself out of something like this. Even Houdini can't contortion himself enough to get outta this ditch. Ah well. C'est la vie.
Little coincidences? Maybe only to us. To Him, it's all scripted. He doesn't even really have to write much. Somewhere around the world, people are finding that they can relate the exact same line to their lives. All He has to do is mix and match.
Now that would be something I'd enjoy doing. But for now, I'm good. His mix'n'match powers are pretty darn fun on the receiving end, too.
A rose is beautiful, despite its thorns.
(Taken during our Baguio trip.)
